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September 20, 2002
9:50 a.m.
"Somewhere In Between" - Lifehouse


Only six more hours and I'll be driving up to see him today. It's eight hours away and I'll be getting up there at midnight or a little past it, depending on my bladder. Unfortunately, my heart and mind are on a different schedule than my bladder. If the body as a whole had any say, we'd simply drive straight through, no food, no drinks, nothing, stopping only that one time for gas and that would be it. Unfortunately, I have to pee too often than I'd care to admit and so that hangs me up and takes out five minutes a pop to get to him. Not to mention I'll be getting rush hour traffic through the city. Once more, not looking forward to that little adventure, especially with my stick shift car. But damn it all if it isn't worth it.

Last night I went to sleep so tired and exhausted. I couldn't do my exercises, nor could I round up enough energy to write anything else here. I even called Mike early so that I could get in my fix of talking to him and then go to sleep at what would be considered not really a decent hour, but earlier than normal for me. I passed out with the phone on the bed at about 11:45 last night and woke up at a glaringly early 5:45 this morning. The best part about this morning was when Megan's alarm went off, I woke up and realized I could sleep for another half hour. So I did without one ounce of trouble. There is something inherently satisfying about waking up to an alarm and being able to completely disregard it. Its better than even hitting snooze because you're managing to cheat wakefulness better than just getting another 8 minutes of sleep. Of course, I am that person who, when she looks at the clock and sees it's still five minutes until her alarm goes off, will go back to sleep. Hey, sleep is a very important thing!

Today I'm feeling the lack of sleep, but only in brief pauses. I don't know how I'm going to handle that when I'm on the road, probably with lots of Theory of a Deadman, Frank Sinatra and Michelle Branch. What a combination, eh?

Whit, this morning, asked me if I was driving up to see Mike this weekend. I really felt like answering with "No, not really. He's my pimp, I'm his bitch. He rents me out the weekends that I can't come up and the weekends I do come up all we do is fuck." But I bit my tongue and just said that I was going up to see him this weekend. So he asks me if it's serious. Please refer to previous wishful comment, but still held my tongue and said that it was to me. I still don't know what I should refer to Mike as. I call him my boyfriend, but does he think of me as his girlfriend? It's been about 1 1/2 months since we've said the big 'l' word. I want to broach that subject, but am also very wary of doing so. What kind of discussion would it lead into? It's always bad to say something too soon to a man, because they get spooked easily if they don't want the committment. We've said we didn't want to be with anyone else, but does that make me a 'girlfriend', per se? I suppose I can always ask him in a joking manner what he considers me and if he starts getting spooked, I can always come back with "Well, I just want to make sure I'm your only bitch." Heh.

I have to admit to a case of the giggles. I emailed him demanding an email from him, in a joking manner of course, and this was part of his response, as well as a rant he went off on about a door.

fuck you! i dont wanna talk to your rambling ass!! and now because i have to go and write this stupid email to you, i lose all time to play my game!! i hate you and the ridiculous attention you crave!!! are you upset now? good cause im sick of it. all this 'ohhh i love you and want to be up there' and shit! LOL!! im just teasing you sweetie, im just a little annoyed right now for a stupid reason, ill tell you later, but theres no way i hate you or sick of the attention you crave. i love spoiling you with attention and love!!! i love you!!!!!!

anyway, why im a little ticked off right now. i know, youll laugh and say its completely stupid but ive had about enough of it! its our fucking storm know the glass door that comes before the bigger front door? well anyway ever since ive lived there it has had a tendency to close fast, therefore hitting you in the back or somewhere else. today it wasnt a big deal, but after trying to unlock the door with stuff in my hand, and it smacking me on the back, ive become fed up with it. it pissed me off so much that i was ready to throw a brick thru the damn thing!!! i mean everytime i have to stop and unlock the door, and i have something in my hand, i cant reach behind me and hold the door off of me, so depending on how your standing, it will either hit you in the head, back, ass or legs....god i fucking hate it when it gets my legs. sometimes ill be fast enough to have my key ready and the door unlocked and o[en before it comes back to hit me, but just as a step into the house, it will close around my foot and about pull me over. so i have to stop to turn around and push the damn thing open again resisting the urge to just tear the fucker off in a fit of rage and throw it into the street!!! god im fucking fed up with that door. i know, go ahead and laugh but if you had to endure its ridiculous shit for about 5 years, youd understand me better too.

I'm very excited to get up there, I have to admit. I want this day to be over and it's nice to look at the clock and see that I'll be leaving in 4 1/2 hours. Yes, it's taken me this long to write this little. But I should close off for now and write about this wonderful weekend I'll have when I get back!