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September 25, 2002
9:57 p.m.
"Standing Still" - Jewel


Today has been a series of ups and downs today that I cried and laughed and have never felt so loved in my life. What happened? Oh, bloody hell, I thought that I was going to be in huge trouble financially. While writing an email to Mike this morning, I came to the realization that I wouldn't get paid this next Monday, and that my paycheck on the 15th would only be for the first week I've worked as a full time, permanent employee. It made me sick because I have bills I need to pay and knew that one week wouldn't hold me for an entire month. I finished up the email and was sitting there wondering what I could do, and my first thought was to just get a second part time job and I'd be okay. But then he sends back this email that tells me to just tell him how much I need and that he'll send it down to me. I broke down completely and started crying, I was so incredibly touched by what he wanted to do for me. I just couldn't keep myself from not crying. But I also couldn't take the money. I mean, I know that I would have needed it, but I couldn't ask him for any money; I had enough trouble taking the money he gave me for driving up to see him last weekend.

So then he calls me at work, and I'm talking to him and trying not to cry from feeling how incredibly wonderful he is. It had nothing to do with being hopeless or anything, it's just the fact that he's so wonderful, offering me something of his without thought. He wanted to take care of me in that moment. I kept refusing any money from him, and when he asked me how much, I told him, "five dollars" because I didn't want to accept anything from him. We talked for a little bit, but then I had to go because Whit started walking up and I didn't want to be talking to Mike while he was there. So I gave him a quick "I love you" and got off the phone and went back up to my desk.

Jennifer asked me what was wrong and I let her know I wasn't upset about anything, just overwhelmed. So I went over what my worries were, and in a moment, she put all my fears to rest, assuring me that I would get a paycheck for the end of the month and that I wouldn't be stuck without money. Since I'm salary, the way it works is on a "faith" system I suppose. I get paid on the 30th for the time worked the 15th through the 30th. So that's a load off my mind.

Rushing through the day, I am currently talking to Mike through AIM right now and he's already sent money to me. I can't believe he did that! I told him not to! And he says he wouldn't call me ever again if I sent it back. Whatever it is he did send, I can't keep it, but damn it all. I hope he just sent me like 50 dollars. Granted, that's still more than he should have sent, which is none, but it's not that much in terms of anything. Does that make sense?

On a side note, the email I'd sent to the lead singer of Disown was replied to! I thought that was so incredibly awesome of him. I suggested that he should come to my city to play and Jae said that I should get back to him about a few places he has in his book. Oh hell yeah!

12:30 a.m. Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion

How can such small words uttered have such a profound effect on me? I just got off the phone with Mike and he had me crying at one point. Our conversation up until then had been completely light and fun, and then he asks if he can ask me something serious. We start talking about how little I really make in regards to what bills I have to pay and how it leaves me with little live off of. And then he says, "I want you to be able to save up money so that you can pay your bills and save enough so that you can eventually move up here with me. My fantasy is that you'll get enough saved so that you can move and then I can start my life with you. And then we can work on things together with our combined incomes and everything, but then you'd be up here with me." He's saying all of this and once more, the tears flow and I'm crying silently so he doesn't hear how absolutely moved I am. Why am I moved? Because he wants to take care of me. He wants to be with me. He wants to start a life with me.

I've resolved to find a second job tomorrow and use all the money I can to make sure that my bills are paid and current, so that all I'm paying is my loan. And the money I make from my second job will all go into a savings account so that in a few months I can move up there with him. I don't know how that will go over with the family, they'll probably be very upset with me for it, I don't know. I can't just justify it with "the heart wants what the heart wants" because that sounds so petty and without reason. But I will get this second job and I will make sure that I don't overspend. I'll get my bills paid and I'll get it so that I can be with Mike. I want to start my life with him as well.

How did I find such a wonderful man? I don't know how I was so lucky, but I thanked the Goddess last night for it. He said that he would be with me for a very long time, and that's how long I want him.