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September 27, 2002
10:19 p.m.
"Dead Inside" - Disown

 

What would Mike think of these particular entries? Would he read through them and be a little scared at how much I think about him? Would he find out that there are times that I'm upset with him and I lie through my fucking teeth when I tell him I'm fine? This is one of those times that I just lied to him. Why? Because despite the wonderful email he sent to me at noon today, I just got off the phone with him in a one minute conversation in him telling me that he couldn't talk long and he'd call me later tonight "if it wasn't too late". And if it was? Well then. Guess it doesn't matter that I practically have my fucking days revolve around finally getting to talk to him. Finally getting to hear his voice because that's the only good thing I have most times.

I just spend a couple hours writing one of the most emotional posts on my Wheel of Time site that I've ever had the opportunity to write. It was good and it had me crying. I feel like I took myself and turned inside out for what I'd written. And I was looking forward to talking to Mike and I got that fucking phone call. What? Is he trying to prove that he's not as wonderful as I'd made him out to be? I can't even do this right now.