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September 28, 2002
7:07 p.m.
"There You'll Be" - Faith Hill

 

It's amazing how an emotional breakdown can make such a mess of my mind that I forget some of the smallest, most important things in the world. Last night I went to sleep crying because my worst fears had come. Mike hadn't called, I hadn't seen him online and it was the first time in nearly two months that I had gone a full day without some sort of verbal conversation. Yes, he had written me this incredible and wonderful email in the morning, but after everything, I still had wanted to talk to him for a little while. More than what he had given me yesterday. I fell asleep, tears following and had a very unrestful sleep. I woke up this morning and he still hadn't called, and that only made me worse. I went until about 12 this afternoon without a phone call, and each small thought going through my head was worse than the next.

Have you ever noticed that when you're feeling upset or uncertain of something, you will see something on TV or hear something on the radio that will correlate with what you're thinking? Today, Someone Like You came on with all those thoughts about the "old cow, new cow" theory and although I knew it wasn't real, the doubts kept creeping into my head. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, so I called his phone, figuring that if I'm going to be pathetic, I won't be miserable for long. To my dismay, it rang twice and I got his voice mail. I almost left one for him and hung up against the recording at the last minute, not wanting to seem too desperate or miserable.

Not even five minutes later, however, he got online and started talking to me. At first I was distant to him, but after a time, I came to realization that he hadn't missed me on purpose, and eventually I was talking to him like I normally do. Mike told me that he woke up this morning incredibly depressed that I wasn't there with him, and today he couldn't shake it off. Funny...I woke up like that with him as well. We teased each other about other things, and kept things lighthearted for the most part, though. He makes me laugh so much! Eventually I got the call from him and we started talking.

As I write this, I'm looking for jobs near his city. A comment made in passing just a few days ago has become a full-blown serious conversation about me moving up. We did a lot of talking about it today; about what I would need to do to get up there, what we'd need to do in terms of the apartment, how to get all my stuff up there, everything. He is completely serious about this. At one point we were talking about things and he said he wondered what it was like while I was married. What things I did around the house, what he did around the house, just general things.

Oh Goddess...my heart races to even think about this. He wants me up there. He wants to start spending his life with me. Goddess, what is it about this man that makes my entire insides twist upon each other and make me want so much of him? He tells me he loves me and I can hear it in his voice. He says that he misses me, and his tone is so blatantly honest it nearly makes me cry. And something we discussed in passing as a wish only a month or so ago he now speaks about in terms of a certainty. Before we got off the phone today before he went to work, he told me he wanted me to do some looking into the jobs up there and what's available. He isn't joking about this. I've been procrastinating in finding an apartment of my own in the hopes that he'd ask me to come up for good and also because I didn't want to get one that I'd have to get out of in a few short weeks or months. Oh hell. I am such a 180 from where I was last night. He wants me to be with him for a very long time.

We talked a little about jewelry and about how, when I was dating Dave, that I always told Dave, "Three quarter carat, princess cut, size four." Meaning the size of the stone, the shape and the size of my finger. I was always specific. I have to say that Mike had been slightly taken aback by it. LOL Although he mentioned that he had gotten on to eBay to see the kinds of jewelry they had on there and couldn't remember the name of the stone I really liked, which was alexandrite. I don't know what that means, but who knows?

I can't believe all of this is happening, to be honest. Why did the Goddess find me deserving of someone like Mike? What did I do right that I was given this wonderful man in my life. I feel with him something that I know I have never felt before; if I thought I was in love with anyone before, I was wrong. And that sometime very soon, I'll be with him.

Very soon now.