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September 30, 2002
1:07 a.m.
"Crazy" - Patsy Cline

 

Can I just shoot myself in the head right now? What is it about women, or me in particular that desires, no requires attention, and when we don't get it, sends us into a panic of self-doubt and insecurity that causes us to take every little thing, analyze it and then turn it around so that it ends up being something entirely depressing? Is it just because I'm a week from my little monthly visitor that causes me to go into these bouts of emotional swing? I hate using that excuse. It's not a reason, nor does it justify us or me. Why am I even talking about this? Let me recap my emotional roller coaster for those who care enough to keep reading this drivel. :-)

Yesterday I sent Mike an incredibly huge email or two just talking about nothing and everything. I talked about the house he wants to buy and such things, hell, yesterday I even did some looking online at houses in the area and such. And then that evening when he gets online, I get emotionally put out because he only got online to tell me the answer to something not even personal and that he had to go. Oookay. At least I did get an "love you!!!" from him, but he was in a bad mood about traffic and crap like that. (Only I didn't find that out until he snapped at me a couple times on the phone later) So I talked with a friend for a little while and then watched a movie, Clerks, wondering when, if, whatever, he'd call. He finally calls at 10:30 when there is other stuff going on in the house with Justin and Stuckey and getting a phone number and crap like that. So I have to let him go right away. Then I call him back and I talk to him for not even 15 seconds and he tells me to "hold on", then after that says he needs to call me back. Oookay then. He calls back after a couple minutes and his answers are short, I ask him how his day went, "fine", etc. I finally figure out he's in a bad mood when he refers to it vaguely.

After about ten minutes of me trying to keep the conversation going (because he's watching a football game as well), I finally ask him if he wants me to let him go. Now...guys, let me clue you in on a little female psyche. When a woman is on the phone with you, and after a few minutes of silence asks, "Do you want me to let you go?" This is your golden opportunity to say, "No, I still want to talk to you." I am talking golden opportunity. Because this is your first clue that she's feeling hurt that you a. are not paying attention to the conversation or b. have hurt her feelings by either something you said or reason a. My response was, "If you want to. I know I'm not in a good mood and you don't have to deal with it." Blink blink The he mentions something about how it wouldn't matter to him because he'll just watch the football game.

By then I felt like he'd just punched me in the stomach. Thanks. Bunches, you know? There is nothing like making a woman feel cherished and loved by telling her that since you're in a bad mood that you'd rather watch TV than let her try and cheer you up. I must have gotten very quiet for a bit because he asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing in my most cheerful voice, but he knew I was lying and eventually pried out of me why I was hurt. Because he said he didn't care to talk to me and would rather watch the football game. In all of that, here comes the PMS misconstruing, or maybe paranoid thoughts. He said that when he's in a bad mood he just needs to be alone, hence the reason he waxed his truck last night, and that if we're living together, he probably wouldn't be around when he had bad moods so I wouldn't have to deal with them. If. If? Goddess help me...I must just be in that emotional swing, please let it be just what that is. He apologized, telling me what he meant over what he had said, and I was okay, but that 'if' kept going through my mind. He eventually loosened up some and started talking to me normally.

I got off the phone with him around midnight, feeling like something of the conversation was missing, like something hadn't been right or something. I don't know. Tomorrow I'll just be horrible, sitting there waiting for him to email or something and know that if he doesn't something is so incredibly wrong.

I've put too much of myself and my heart on the line this time. And I think, in turn, it's left me very needy and insecure about myself. Maybe if...if I get up there and live with him, it will be so much more different, at least getting to see him every day, but until then, I'm stuck with this insecurity and neediness. And this ultimate fear that his feelings will fade for me or that he was lying about them the whole time. Or that with an impending move of this magnitude, he'll be spooked. Or intimidated by the sheer amount of effort that will go into buying a house for ourselves; the trouble it will cause us both for our families. Everything. I have to trust him with all of this, but when he's not here, how can I possibly be reassured?